I am writing this post looking back on one of the worst weeks of my life. A week where my husband ended up strapped down in the back of an ambulance and surrounded by cop cars and where a few days later I had to drive him to be committed to a mental hospital.
I am looking back on a week that involved more tears than I have cried in the past 25 years combined. This is no exaggeration either. Before my dad passed away in 1991, he told me not to cry. That I needed to be strong. And I was. I did not cry. In fact, something inside of me completely shut off and I can count on one hand the number of times I have truly cried since. Last week, I was completely in despair and out of control. I could not contain the tears. I cried, I shook, I sobbed like there was no tomorrow-and in many ways it felt like there never would be.
My husband has been in trouble for a long time. The break is a blessing because now he can finally work on getting to where he wants to be. Our marriage may not survive his growth, but it will be a fair cost to see him finally living up to his potential. There is no doubt we loved each other, but we cannot seem to bring out the best in each other. Maybe now that will change, but I don't honestly think it will. Sometimes when things break, they are so broken you cannot even see what the original looked like.
The worst part of this is that we seemed so called to be together. Every time we parted in our youth, it seemed like God had another plan for us and that plan wanted us together. Now, I am having trouble finding God at all. I think I am having a Footprints moment where he is carrying me and I am so thankful for that, but I honestly could use a little more direct signage. Gentle signage if the news is hard, but more guidance nonetheless. That being said, I am so grateful. Without having had this man by my side, would I have accomplished what I have? Maybe. Or maybe my life would have looked a lot different, but either way I am doing what I was meant to do and am on my way to accomplishing more.
This week did bring a breakthrough-I reached out to family and friends in a way I never have before. This is going to be so important if husband and I split. I am going to need them more than ever-and truly need them in a way I don't think I have ever before. I am not one to reach out and ask for help. It goes against my every fiber. And, maybe that is why many of my relationships have been stunted. I feel like a burden when I need help. Even though people say that is what they are there for, it makes me uncomfortable to actually reach out. Maybe it was too many rejections and losses over the years, but if I truly want to play big then I need to engage in life. And in my relationships. And maybe that means a little more taking than I am used to.
And although this year has had fewer breakthroughs than I hoped for by this point, I believe maybe my tears are the biggest one yet. I have been through more negative emotions in the last week than I ever imagined possible. And, I am still here. I did not eat myself into a coma. I did not look the other way. I dealt with them. It sucked. But, I dealt with them and I am still standing.
And, after one of the worst weeks of my life, that is what is important. I am still standing. I thank my coworkers for their patience, willingness to cover me, and love during a time of obvious despair. There was no level of professionalism that was getting me by last week. I thank my family and friends for being there and making sure I knew I was not a burden. I thank God for giving me all that I needed to get through it.
I do not know what is next. I do know it will not be easy. But luckily, I have a great network to help me get through it. I may not look the same afterwards, but I am not permanently broken. A week ago I would not have believed that. Now, I know sometimes you have to break something to get to its core.
I am looking back on a week that involved more tears than I have cried in the past 25 years combined. This is no exaggeration either. Before my dad passed away in 1991, he told me not to cry. That I needed to be strong. And I was. I did not cry. In fact, something inside of me completely shut off and I can count on one hand the number of times I have truly cried since. Last week, I was completely in despair and out of control. I could not contain the tears. I cried, I shook, I sobbed like there was no tomorrow-and in many ways it felt like there never would be.
My husband has been in trouble for a long time. The break is a blessing because now he can finally work on getting to where he wants to be. Our marriage may not survive his growth, but it will be a fair cost to see him finally living up to his potential. There is no doubt we loved each other, but we cannot seem to bring out the best in each other. Maybe now that will change, but I don't honestly think it will. Sometimes when things break, they are so broken you cannot even see what the original looked like.
The worst part of this is that we seemed so called to be together. Every time we parted in our youth, it seemed like God had another plan for us and that plan wanted us together. Now, I am having trouble finding God at all. I think I am having a Footprints moment where he is carrying me and I am so thankful for that, but I honestly could use a little more direct signage. Gentle signage if the news is hard, but more guidance nonetheless. That being said, I am so grateful. Without having had this man by my side, would I have accomplished what I have? Maybe. Or maybe my life would have looked a lot different, but either way I am doing what I was meant to do and am on my way to accomplishing more.
This week did bring a breakthrough-I reached out to family and friends in a way I never have before. This is going to be so important if husband and I split. I am going to need them more than ever-and truly need them in a way I don't think I have ever before. I am not one to reach out and ask for help. It goes against my every fiber. And, maybe that is why many of my relationships have been stunted. I feel like a burden when I need help. Even though people say that is what they are there for, it makes me uncomfortable to actually reach out. Maybe it was too many rejections and losses over the years, but if I truly want to play big then I need to engage in life. And in my relationships. And maybe that means a little more taking than I am used to.
And although this year has had fewer breakthroughs than I hoped for by this point, I believe maybe my tears are the biggest one yet. I have been through more negative emotions in the last week than I ever imagined possible. And, I am still here. I did not eat myself into a coma. I did not look the other way. I dealt with them. It sucked. But, I dealt with them and I am still standing.
And, after one of the worst weeks of my life, that is what is important. I am still standing. I thank my coworkers for their patience, willingness to cover me, and love during a time of obvious despair. There was no level of professionalism that was getting me by last week. I thank my family and friends for being there and making sure I knew I was not a burden. I thank God for giving me all that I needed to get through it.
I do not know what is next. I do know it will not be easy. But luckily, I have a great network to help me get through it. I may not look the same afterwards, but I am not permanently broken. A week ago I would not have believed that. Now, I know sometimes you have to break something to get to its core.
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