Broken

I am writing this post looking back on one of the worst weeks of my life.  A week where my husband ended up strapped down in the back of an ambulance and surrounded by cop cars and where a few days later I had to drive him to be committed to a mental hospital.

I am looking back on a week that involved more tears than I have cried in the past 25 years combined.  This is no exaggeration either.  Before my dad passed away in 1991, he told me not to cry.  That I needed to be strong.  And I was.  I did not cry.  In fact, something inside of me completely shut off and I can count on one hand the number of times I have truly cried since.  Last week, I was completely in despair and out of control.  I could not contain the tears.  I cried, I shook, I sobbed like there was no tomorrow-and in many ways it felt like there never would be.

My husband has been in trouble for a long time.  The break is a blessing because now he can finally work on getting to where he wants to be.  Our marriage may not survive his growth, but it will be a fair cost to see him finally living up to his potential.  There is no doubt we loved each other, but we cannot seem to bring out the best in each other.    Maybe now that will change, but I don't honestly think it will. Sometimes when things break, they are so broken you cannot even see what the original looked like.

The worst part of this is that we seemed so called to be together.  Every time we parted in our youth, it seemed like God had another plan for us and that plan wanted us together.  Now, I am having trouble finding God at all.  I think I am having a Footprints moment where he is carrying me and I am so thankful for that, but I honestly could use a little more direct signage.  Gentle signage if the news is hard, but more guidance nonetheless.  That being said, I am so grateful.  Without having had this man by my side, would I have accomplished what I have?  Maybe.  Or maybe my life would have looked a lot different, but either way I am doing what I was meant to do and am on my way to accomplishing more.

This week did bring a breakthrough-I reached out to family and friends in a way I never have before.  This is going to be so important if husband and I split.  I am going to need them more than ever-and truly need them in a way I don't think I have ever before.  I am not one to reach out and ask for help.  It goes against my every fiber.  And, maybe that is why many of my relationships have been stunted.  I feel like a burden when I need help.  Even though people say that is what they are there for, it makes me uncomfortable to actually reach out.  Maybe it was too many rejections and losses over the years, but if I truly want to play big then I need to engage in life.  And in my relationships.  And maybe that means a little more taking than I am used to.

And although this year has had fewer breakthroughs than I hoped for by this point, I believe maybe my tears are the biggest one yet.  I have been through more negative emotions in the last week than I ever imagined possible.  And, I am still here.  I did not eat myself into a coma.  I did not look the other way.  I dealt with them.  It sucked.  But, I dealt with them and I am still standing.


And, after one of the worst weeks of my life, that is what is important.  I am still standing.   I thank my coworkers for their patience, willingness to cover me, and love during a time of obvious despair.  There was no level of professionalism that was getting me by last week.  I thank my family and friends for being there and making sure I knew I was not a burden. I thank God for giving me all that I needed to get through it.

I do not know what is next.  I do know it will not be easy.  But luckily, I have a great network to help me get through it.  I may not look the same afterwards, but I am not permanently broken.  A week ago I would not have believed that.  Now, I know sometimes you have to break something to get to its core.

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Food for Thought

Sometimes you are supposed to FINALLY get a weekend of alone time in your house-the first in 15 years mind you- and it turns into a weekend where you not only deprived of your alone time, but also presented with some crazy bullshit that you did not see coming.

Sometimes life forces you out of your comfort zone and pushes you to consider what would happen if your whole life changed tomorrow.  Today, you are cuddling with your dog while the cat romps around the house and your husband is doing his own thing.  Before you realize what happened, you are at a turning point where the comfortable life you have may not be the life you will have tomorrow or maybe should ever have been fighting for all along.

Sometimes people get stuck in such a rut that the only way they see out of it is to walk away and completely start over.  Novels and television have made millions off of the common story of a husband walking out on his wife to go and live a dream or with the woman of his fantasies while the woman is forced to re-create her very being from her toes to her head and the very battered mess of a mind that is left behind.

Sometimes, one spouse just wants the other to understand where they are coming from and puts forth the idea that maybe the only way they can fly is if they are stripped down to nothing and are forced to fend for themselves.  That having you as a security blanket is only allowing them to continue doing nothing because they do not have to.  The bills will still be paid, dinner will be made, and life will go on in its own little suburban type way.  Maybe they feel so strongly that you have put aside your own happiness that they actually think they are doing you a favor.  And what if they are?

Here is the part of the novel where the woman starts to consider what will need to be done in order to survive.  Find new place to live, make sure you have enough income to pay new rent, bills, and keep Houndsley in the kibble he has become accustomed to.  Figure out what you would do in an emergency such as the car breaking down, emergency vet appointment-oh wait, "what about benefits for me?!!!"  And then you remember you are covered at work if you want to be, you just took the buyout because you were on his plan.  Whew, no need to go off of the anxiety pills, Lord knows we need them now more than ever.

And then, something surprising happens.  The woman starts to think about all of the things that might be nice about living by herself.  Watching chick flicks without judgment from the cinephile in the other room.  Peace and quiet.  No one constantly bitching at them because they have not done things exactly as someone else thought they should.  Maybe he was right. Maybe you were sacrificing too much for the comfort of what you thought you wanted. Maybe you really did think you couldn't do better and now is your chance to find the happiness you deserve.

Queue another panic attack.  After all, we are on the wrong side of 35 and who the hell starts their life over at 40.  You are a librarian for God's sake-you are going to die alone!!!!!!

And, breathe. In with the good air, out with the bad air.  In with the good air, out with the bad air.  Okay, we can do this.  I am going to be okay.  No matter what happens, I can do this.  It is going to be scary as hell, but I can do this.

The next morning the husband has decided something important. He wants to convey to you that last night's conversation was just theoretical.  After all, he is having a midlife crisis/nervous breakdown.  He was angry.  Now, he just wants to find a new idea to get past this rough time.  Motherf*%^$#r.

The problem is now the wife has remembered how strong she is.  That maybe he was right in the first place, and even if he wasn't "F%&k you for doing that to me".  Maybe she should not be so quick to put aside the ideas that began to form last night.  After all, she is supposed to play big this year.  It makes sense that the husband was telling her that for all her career success, she was not playing big where it matters-in her life!

So, this weekend was not at all what it was supposed to be.  And, I know, I have not heard the end of it.  It is going to get much worse before it gets better.  If husband finds his way, if wife decides to stay while he searches, if it all blows up and she is forced to find that new apartment and step outside of her comfort zone, or insert any one of a million scenarios could play out here.  But, all is not lost.  In fact, there has already been a sighting of a glorious rainbow.  She has figured out the most important thing-she has the strength to make it through no matter what comes her way! 

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