I started seeing a therapist in June and I have made more progress in two months trying to process everything of the last two years, deal with my own baggage, and just establish a solid foundation of mental health than I have in the 15+ years I have been trying to do it on my own.
I had my first major breakthrough late last month. My therapist is wonderful about letting me write to her between sessions so she knows what is going on and I can focus on what I really want to talk about. This was the first session that we had tried this approach and the results were stunning. If you put me in the room without some type of guide, I get so caught up in whatever is in my face at the moment to see the big picture. I frazzle easily when speaking and tend to lose the forest for the trees. You may say, "Really, she writes well enough that I would think she could form two coherent sentences in a row when speaking", but this is not at all the case. Hence, the reason I asked to be able to write between sessions. It allows D to help me see the big picture and me to really put out there what I have been been experiencing and feeling. I have never felt so empowered as I did after that session.
So, what was so empowering? 2 things. 1- I managed to explain to D that while all of the books are great about telling you what the problems are, none of them tell you how to fix them. And please God, did she know how to fix them?!?! 2- It is reasonable to be angry at life after all I have been through. Even a Care Bear (tm) is not happy all of the time (ask Grumpy!), and I need to stop cherry picking my feelings. We will talk much more about how wonderful these angry feelings can be!
First, D did indeed know "how" to fix my mental health issues, not just how to figure out what they are. Here is what she told me to do:
1. I need to forgive myself an my inner child. I am not responsible for the things that happened to me as a child. I could not have changed them. I need to face them and let that inner child know that I did the best I could to handle things back then and even then it was far more than I should have ever had to do. I need to let my inner child know I forgive myself because it was not my fault and that they are loved. This is the only way I will ever be whole.
2. I need to be okay with where I am today. Truly okay and understanding that this is where I need to be. No what ifs. (Oddly, I rock #2. The "everything happens for a reason" philosophy really came in handy here on the road to mental strength!)
3. No cherry picking my feelings. I need to feel ALL of them. The good ones, the bad ones, the uncomfortable ones, and all the others in between. (Grrrr, Mis does not like feelings!)
She was absolutely right, and I am already seeing the difference. The books won't tell you how to make it better, but D will!!!
Yesterday, we worked on anger. Apparently, I have enough anger stored up to power the earth for a few years- at least. This was extremely surprising to me because that goes against every philosophy of life I possess, my general being, and everything I think of myself. But you better believe, I angry! Like Hulk Smash angry.
We started letting it out yesterday. I was so surprised that I had no idea what to do. Admitting I was angry with a family member was initially very hard, but once I realized just how true it was there was no stopping me. I wanted to push it aside, but D would not let me evade the feeling or the reasons and we worked through it. She was thrilled-and amazed at just how good I am at feeling anger! I never like feeling anger, I feel a loss of control of the situation and I don't like the way it makes me feel physically. But maybe that is because I have so much anger that I have not dealt with that new or minor anger feels much worse than it needs to.
A few hours after I left her office I was telling my mom all about it and that is when the real release came. It occurred to me why this family member's actions make me feel uncomfortable with other family members and I realized he has no right to make me feel like an outsider in my own family. My mother listened (and was the voice of reason knowing that my family loves me and that this is my internal issue and not how they actually feel.) But, being able to really yell, be frustrated, and come to the conclusion that the root of the anger goes even deeper than what I discovered in D's office gave me the greatest high I have ever felt! I felt like I both ran and won the Boston Marathon and was ready to go for another run. I am a tad worried that this could become an issue if I continue to love it this much!
I always felt like anger was the beginning of physical altercations, or a pointless use of hate, but I realize now that anger is what is supposed to tell us that we are not okay with a not okay situation. It is OKAY to be angry, to stand up for yourself, and to let it be known that you will not just sit back and let others take advantage of you. Even as I write this I am feeling the smoke come out of my ears and nose. But, for the first time I am not fighting it. I am not justifying why it is only my issue, how it is better to just let it go and keep the peace, or even just ignoring it. I am owning my anger and it feels AMAZING! I know this is only the first stop on the 2015 Anger Tour, but I feel so ready to take on all of the other stops with the same honesty as this one. For right now, I am trying to tell myself to wait and let Dale guide me through the beginning of the revelations for each stop of the tour, but now I am so eager to do the hard work I don't know if I can wait that long. Who knew going to therapy was going to be so exciting?!!!!!
Are you angry with someone or at something that has happened in your life? Just because your first answer is a quick no, that does not mean it is the correct answer. Dig deep and see what you are really feeling? Letting go of the anger you did not even know you had can make more of a difference in the quality of your life than you can imagine.
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