Livin' La Vida Solo!!!

One of the great things about being separated after being married for more than a decade is that I actually have time to think!  Like, really think.  About what I want in life, what I like and dislike, what makes me happy, what needs to change if we are going to make this marriage work, and whether or not that is even possible.

You might find this odd, especially since we do not have children (besides the two very high maintenance fur babies).  Still, the very nature of daily life and full days often makes it hard to get a few thoughts strung together, never mind the thoughts that help you set forth on a new and healthier path.

At first, this is the part that I thought would drive me mad about being alone.  I was sure all of the alone time and the quiet would drive me to despair.  Despite my profession, or maybe in spite of it, I am one of the loudest people you will ever meet.  I am the opposite of dainty and elegant and am the goofiest princess you will ever meet.  I am constantly in motion.  Admittedly, I would like to have more grace and elegance, but I take the blessings the good Lord gave me and work with them!

The quiet time has been freeing. I don't second guess myself so much.  I think about what I really want.   Sometimes it is as simple as what I want for dinner. Sometimes it is the bug stuff like what I want in a relationship.   I have realized that no matter what happens, this is a very special time. 

I am taking a step back and giving myself permission to care for me first and foremost.  I am talking to my mom almost every day and learning more about her life and discussing some of the things that have held me back in mine.  We are going through the hard stuff and I am so happy to have this opportunity while she is still here.  Having lost my dad at 12, I never take for granted that our time is limited or that I am lucky to have her-even when we fight and drive each other crazy. Every conversation helps me to understand my past and myself a little better and why I have made the decisions I have made in life.  Again, I am blessed. Not everyone is given this chance and even fewer take it.

Surprisingly, I have not had a major meltdown of loneliness yet.  My family and friends have done a great of keeping me busy.  My fur babies are great companions.  The husband and I are in regular contact.  Some days that is good, other days I relish the solo life that much more.   Overall, I have done really well for myself!  I am enjoying the life I have built and that is enough for right now.  In fact, it is about time I let myself reap some of the rewards I have worked so hard for.  Even the unexpected ones-like a little peace and quiet!

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Be Careful What You WIsh For

When I said I wanted to Find Mis this year, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  And as much as the results hurt, and the changes are hard, I am not sorry I wished for it!

My vision board would tell you that this year I wanted to get super healthy, read and write more-as both a creative outlet and the next step in my career, take on a new confidence and style, and I wanted to turn my house into my sanctuary.  As a bonus, I was looking forward to a cruise to Bermuda with my husband and parents.  While many of those things are happening, there was one big development I did not foresee on my vision board and it has thrown my life into a tornado of emotion.

It would seem that it is time for me to be a little clearer about what has been going on.  My marriage has had many challenges over the last two years.  To be honest, it has never been an easy marriage and it would appear that love has taken us as far as we can go.  In light of this realization, we have decided that a separation is in order to take some time to see if we can repair the breakdown in communication and if we can move forward in a way that is meaningful and satisfying for both of us.

It is often said that is takes two people to make a divorce happen.  I am happy to say here that there are two people trying to make a worthwhile marriage happen here.  Truthfully, I think we have a 50/50 shot.   I am proud of us for realizing that things need to change, for being adults about it, and realizing that change will need to happen on both sides if this relationship is to once again thrive. 

One thing I had never doubted in my relationship is how much my husband loves me.  The last two years have been a real test and for the first time, I could not feel the love that has sustained us through the good times, the bad times, and the shit storms.  All of which we have had plenty.

Already, we are seeing good things come out of the separation.  I am not going to share his strides, because it is not my story to tell.  That said, I know he is working hard and that it is not easy.  For me, I have gotten past some real emotional barriers that have dogged me for my whole life.  We are both seeing therapists (separately at this point) to work on becoming more independent, less argumentative, and better partners.  We are working on dealing with our own issues so we can move forward in our lives-whether that be separately or together.  And through it all, we want the best for one another. Of course, we have our bad days!  Not every day is all flowers and unicorns, but we are trying. 

On the way to finding Mis, I would never have guessed that a divorce would have been the fast track path, but it certainly seems that way!  I look at the world through different eyes now.  I see different possibilities.  I look at myself and ask why I respond the way I do.  The most important thing I have learned thus far is to ask for help.  I have never been good at that.  I have always preferred to be the strong one that others could lean on.  Now, I have seen my family and friends rally around me in ways that I never expected.  And, I am more grateful than you could ever imagine!

So, I am indeed Finding Mis!  Blogging will probably pick up again now.  The shock has worn off, as has the desire to retreat into a corner in the fetal position.  I am ready to look forward and be brave.  I look forward to sharing this journey with you because I know I am not the only one walking this path.  I look forward to hearing from you that have done it and made it work and those who decided it was best to forge ahead alone.  Together, we can support one another and make finding ourselves a little bit easier.

Love,
Mis














 

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