Last Things First

 

I am buying a house!  Well, maybe.  You see, this was a project for the last quarter of Fit for 40.  But as life has shown me so many times over the last 3 years-I do not get to decide the right time for things.  It so happened that my husband and I decided we needed to take a step forward and this was the one to make.  And then I was preapproved.  Like, almost overnight. 

(Insert MAJOR panic attack here.)

Ok.  I guess many people would say we were late in the game and this is not the last thing first.  Many couples do this in their 20s.   We waited until we finished school and the housing market finished its major collapse.  Had the mother of all hellmouths opened up under us last year, we would have probably done it then (and been better off for it price wise).  But, we took our time and tried to do it right.


Now, we have been in the house buying business for less than a week.  We have seen 3 houses up close and personal with realtors and a few dozen without. Not to mention hours on Zillow and other house buying sites.  Plus, I am reading the book pictured above so that I have some clue about how not to make a complete mess of this!

Like everything else, I am obsessing a bit and should be less hyperfocused than I am.  But, maybe I need the house to get to the next steps.  Maybe this is the step that will propel me forward in everything else.  And so, I obsess and look at every street I drive down, and read, and scour the internet like a pirate looking for hidden treasure.

How was your home buying experience?  What would you do differently?  What worked perfectly?  All advice appreciated!  Now, I am off to scour the internet some more.  After all, hidden treasure does not find itself.

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Fit for Forty and Other Updates

Hi Everyone,

     If you are just tuning in, let me give you a quick overview of this blog.  After reading Playing Big by Tara Mohr last year, I was inspired to tackle some of the personal items that have been dogging my to do list for years (some even decades).  Meanwhile, life had other plans.

     Without getting into it in this post, 2015 was a tsunami of destruction in my personal life.  Health issues within my family came to the forefront that led to the breakdown of relationships.  Luckily, we were able to rebuild those relationships with a stronger foundation than ever, but the havoc that surrounded me was all-consuming.

     I finally came out of that extreme period of hurt, chaos, and growth to realize that I was not done yet.  I still had a lot of growing to do.  It was time to go back inside and set out to do what I originally had planned-tackle the issues that have been holding me back and play big!

     So, we come to fit for 40.  I celebrated my 39th birthday and decided I wanted to end my 30s on a high note and go into my 40s stronger than ever!  So, here we are.  After a (3) year period of huge struggles it is time to do what I came to do.  Mental fitness, physical fitness, social fitness, soul fitness- I am putting it all out this year.  I hope you come along for the ride.  It promises to be an ugly trainwreck before the finish line, but it will be a journey definitely worth checking in on if only for the shared laughs, tears, bumbling, and adventures I will be sure to find myself on!

Talk Soon,
Mis

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The Journey Continues...

Long time no chat!  I am definitely still on the path to finding Mis, but I felt the need to go underground for awhile to kind of just be and figure out what should come next. 

If you have been reading my journey so far, you know that  sent some HUGE whammies my way.  Really, 2013-2015 were filled with so many monumental highs and epic lows that I needed to get off the roller coaster for a bit.  It was what inspired this journey in the first place.  BTW, I HATE roller coasters, so having a minute to step off the ride and vomit was just what I needed.

Okay, so that was not a pretty picture, but neither was the place I was in.  We have all been there.  Think of a time when your world was falling apart, yet you somehow managed to go to work (and rock it), keep your direct family together, continue relationships with friends and other family members (and rock it), and yet, your daily life could not have been more stressful, confusing, or painful.

I am not going to go into the whole women suffering in silence debate because that was not what it was about for me.  It was about reaching my personal and career goals, keeping my family together and healthy, and just waiting for the suck to take a five minute break so we could get our lives back on track or (the audacity) to an even better place than before. 

I am here to say we have reached the other side!!!!  It was not without a total implosion.  One that I certainly thought we were not going to come back from.  But, not only is my family in the best place it has been in, well maybe ever, but I have found new layers of myself that I was not sure existed. 

This journey continues to shock and amaze me.  It is hard.  I cannot tie it to one thing.  It is about wellness and mindfulness, it is about knowing myself and what I need much better, it is about making my best life.  It is about owning my feelings and actually feeling them (this is the part that makes me want to quit every. single. day.)  But, I want to do it.  I want to be accountable for it.  I want you to know that you can do it to.  And if we are being honest here, it is always more fun when you have a support network and you know you are not alone.  So, if you are ready, Iet's take this journey to Finding Mis and Finding (YOU!!!!) together.

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Compassion..For Myself

Compassion is easy to have for others.  My heart hurts every time I see anyone else struggling.  Somehow though, I cannot find it in myself to show the same compassion for my struggles.  I am not saying that I should be throwing a pity party or that my woes are any worse than yours.  It is just that I never cut myself any slack whatsoever.  And, after a while, it leads to more anxiety and depression than I can shake a stick at.

So, why am I so incapable of giving myself a break? 

I was raised to be driven, have higher standards for myself than others, and to be a leader.  These are all good qualities.  However, they are also impossible to live up to 100% of the time.  I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks my entire life.  It is impossible to know for sure, but I would say my genes probably made me more prone than most for them.  And unfortunately, nurture succeeded in giving me the tools to drive myself to them on a regular basis.  It has taken me 38 years, but I have finally seen the correlation between my anxiety and how I treat myself differently work together to leave me feeling weak, useless, and like I have failed.

But, I have not failed.  I am a good person.  I have done great things in my career. I genuinely want to help others and make a difference in their lives.  I have a family and pets that I adore. I have friends.  I am rediscovering my passion for writing and all things creative.  I am not perfect, but that is okay.  I am beginning to think perfect is overrated.  There are no surprises in perfect.  I have tried living the Martha Stewart/Pinterest life and it is way more trouble than it is worth.  I constantly need to remind myself that my Facebook friends' lives are not as perfect as they look online, that I am seeing a very curated collection of moments and so much more is going on behind the scenes.  (A special thank you to my therapist for that revelation!!!)

So, where does that leave me?  Taking a few extra moments every day just to breathe.  It may mean taking some extra time to write it out like I am doing today.  The writing calms me, calms the anxiety that is telling me I am wrong.  Telling me that I need to do more, be more, keep pushing.   It sucks because the voices are so, so loud.  And in this busy world it can be easy to forget to breathe.  At least for me.  But, I am trying.  Just maybe, the more I practice, the easier it will get. 

Do your voices tell you to keep pushing?  How do you quiet them?  Have you mastered compassion for yourself?  What's your secret?  The more we share, the easier it will become.  We need to stop telling each other that we are not overwhelmed and tired.  Instead, let's tell each other how we actually do it and how we handle it when it gets hard.  After all, wouldn't you be happy to know you are not the only one who wishes they could feel better at the end of every day?

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I AM SO ANGRY... and I LOVE it!!!

I started seeing a therapist in June and I have made more progress in two months trying to process everything of the last two years, deal with my own baggage, and just establish a solid foundation of mental health than I have in the 15+ years I have been trying to do it on my own.

I had my first major breakthrough late last month. My therapist is wonderful about letting me write to her between sessions so she knows what is going on and I can focus on what I really want to talk about.  This was the first session that we had tried this approach and the results were stunning.  If you put me in the room without some type of guide, I get so caught up in whatever is in my face at the moment to see the big picture.  I frazzle easily when speaking and tend to lose the forest for the trees.  You may say, "Really, she writes well enough that I would think she could form two coherent sentences in a row when speaking", but this is not at all the case.  Hence, the reason I asked to be able to write between sessions.  It allows D to help me see the big picture and me to really put out there what I have been been experiencing and feeling.  I have never felt so empowered as I did after that session.

So, what was so empowering?  2 things.  1- I managed to explain to D that while all of the books are great about telling you what the problems are, none of them tell you how to fix them.  And please God, did she know how to fix them?!?!  2- It is reasonable to be angry at life after all I have been through. Even a Care Bear (tm) is not happy all of the time (ask Grumpy!), and I need to stop cherry picking my feelings.  We will talk much more about how wonderful these angry feelings can be!

First, D did indeed know "how" to fix my mental health issues, not just how to figure out what they are.  Here is what she told me to do:

     1. I need to forgive myself an my inner child.  I am not responsible for the things that happened to me as a child.  I could not have changed them.  I need to face them and let that inner child know that I did the best I could to handle things back then and even then it was far more than I should have ever had to do.  I need to let my inner child know I forgive myself because it was not my fault and that they are loved.  This is the only way I will ever be whole.

     2.  I need to be okay with where I am today.  Truly okay and understanding that this is where I need to be.  No what ifs. (Oddly, I rock #2.  The "everything happens for a reason" philosophy really came in handy here on the road to mental strength!)

     3.  No cherry picking my feelings.  I need to feel ALL of them.  The good ones, the bad ones, the uncomfortable ones, and all the others in between. (Grrrr, Mis does not like feelings!)

She was absolutely right, and I am already seeing the difference.  The books won't tell you how to make it better, but D will!!!

Yesterday, we worked on anger.  Apparently, I have enough anger stored up to power the earth for a few years- at least.  This was extremely surprising to me because that goes against every philosophy of life I possess, my general being, and everything I think of myself.  But you better believe, I angry! Like Hulk Smash angry.

We started letting it out yesterday.  I was so surprised that I had no idea what to do.  Admitting I was angry with a family member was initially very hard, but once I realized just how true it was there was no stopping me.  I wanted to push it aside, but D would not let me evade the feeling or the reasons and we worked through it.  She was thrilled-and amazed at just how good I am at feeling anger!  I never like feeling anger, I feel a loss of control of the situation and I don't like the way it makes me feel physically.  But maybe that is because I have so much anger that I have not dealt with that new or minor anger feels much worse than it needs to.

A few hours after I left her office I was telling my mom all about it and that is when the real release came.  It occurred to me why this family member's actions make me feel uncomfortable with other family members and I realized he has no right to make me feel like an outsider in my own family.  My mother listened (and was the voice of reason knowing that my family loves me and that this is my internal issue and not how they actually feel.)  But, being able to really yell, be frustrated, and come to the conclusion that the root of the anger goes even deeper than what I discovered in D's office gave me the greatest high I have ever felt!  I felt like I both ran and won the Boston Marathon and was ready to go for another run.  I am a tad worried that this could become an issue if I continue to love it this much!


I always felt like anger was the beginning of physical altercations, or a pointless use of hate, but I realize now that anger is what is supposed to tell us that we are not okay with a not okay situation.  It is OKAY to be angry, to stand up for yourself, and to let it be known that you will not just sit back and let others take advantage of you.  Even as I write this I am feeling the smoke come out of my ears and nose.  But, for the first time I am not fighting it.  I am not justifying why it is only my issue, how it is better to just let it go and keep the peace, or even just ignoring it.  I am owning my anger and it feels AMAZING!  I know this is only the first stop on the 2015 Anger Tour, but I feel so ready to take on all of the other stops with the same honesty as this one.  For right now, I am trying to tell myself to wait and let Dale guide me through the beginning of the revelations for each stop of the tour, but now I am so eager to do the hard work I don't know if I can wait that long.  Who knew going to therapy was going to be so exciting?!!!!!

Are you angry with someone or at something that has happened in your life?  Just because your first answer is a quick no, that does not mean it is the correct answer.  Dig deep and see what you are really feeling? Letting go of the anger you did not even know you had can make more of a difference in the quality of your life than you can imagine.



 

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Livin' La Vida Solo!!!

One of the great things about being separated after being married for more than a decade is that I actually have time to think!  Like, really think.  About what I want in life, what I like and dislike, what makes me happy, what needs to change if we are going to make this marriage work, and whether or not that is even possible.

You might find this odd, especially since we do not have children (besides the two very high maintenance fur babies).  Still, the very nature of daily life and full days often makes it hard to get a few thoughts strung together, never mind the thoughts that help you set forth on a new and healthier path.

At first, this is the part that I thought would drive me mad about being alone.  I was sure all of the alone time and the quiet would drive me to despair.  Despite my profession, or maybe in spite of it, I am one of the loudest people you will ever meet.  I am the opposite of dainty and elegant and am the goofiest princess you will ever meet.  I am constantly in motion.  Admittedly, I would like to have more grace and elegance, but I take the blessings the good Lord gave me and work with them!

The quiet time has been freeing. I don't second guess myself so much.  I think about what I really want.   Sometimes it is as simple as what I want for dinner. Sometimes it is the bug stuff like what I want in a relationship.   I have realized that no matter what happens, this is a very special time. 

I am taking a step back and giving myself permission to care for me first and foremost.  I am talking to my mom almost every day and learning more about her life and discussing some of the things that have held me back in mine.  We are going through the hard stuff and I am so happy to have this opportunity while she is still here.  Having lost my dad at 12, I never take for granted that our time is limited or that I am lucky to have her-even when we fight and drive each other crazy. Every conversation helps me to understand my past and myself a little better and why I have made the decisions I have made in life.  Again, I am blessed. Not everyone is given this chance and even fewer take it.

Surprisingly, I have not had a major meltdown of loneliness yet.  My family and friends have done a great of keeping me busy.  My fur babies are great companions.  The husband and I are in regular contact.  Some days that is good, other days I relish the solo life that much more.   Overall, I have done really well for myself!  I am enjoying the life I have built and that is enough for right now.  In fact, it is about time I let myself reap some of the rewards I have worked so hard for.  Even the unexpected ones-like a little peace and quiet!

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Be Careful What You WIsh For

When I said I wanted to Find Mis this year, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  And as much as the results hurt, and the changes are hard, I am not sorry I wished for it!

My vision board would tell you that this year I wanted to get super healthy, read and write more-as both a creative outlet and the next step in my career, take on a new confidence and style, and I wanted to turn my house into my sanctuary.  As a bonus, I was looking forward to a cruise to Bermuda with my husband and parents.  While many of those things are happening, there was one big development I did not foresee on my vision board and it has thrown my life into a tornado of emotion.

It would seem that it is time for me to be a little clearer about what has been going on.  My marriage has had many challenges over the last two years.  To be honest, it has never been an easy marriage and it would appear that love has taken us as far as we can go.  In light of this realization, we have decided that a separation is in order to take some time to see if we can repair the breakdown in communication and if we can move forward in a way that is meaningful and satisfying for both of us.

It is often said that is takes two people to make a divorce happen.  I am happy to say here that there are two people trying to make a worthwhile marriage happen here.  Truthfully, I think we have a 50/50 shot.   I am proud of us for realizing that things need to change, for being adults about it, and realizing that change will need to happen on both sides if this relationship is to once again thrive. 

One thing I had never doubted in my relationship is how much my husband loves me.  The last two years have been a real test and for the first time, I could not feel the love that has sustained us through the good times, the bad times, and the shit storms.  All of which we have had plenty.

Already, we are seeing good things come out of the separation.  I am not going to share his strides, because it is not my story to tell.  That said, I know he is working hard and that it is not easy.  For me, I have gotten past some real emotional barriers that have dogged me for my whole life.  We are both seeing therapists (separately at this point) to work on becoming more independent, less argumentative, and better partners.  We are working on dealing with our own issues so we can move forward in our lives-whether that be separately or together.  And through it all, we want the best for one another. Of course, we have our bad days!  Not every day is all flowers and unicorns, but we are trying. 

On the way to finding Mis, I would never have guessed that a divorce would have been the fast track path, but it certainly seems that way!  I look at the world through different eyes now.  I see different possibilities.  I look at myself and ask why I respond the way I do.  The most important thing I have learned thus far is to ask for help.  I have never been good at that.  I have always preferred to be the strong one that others could lean on.  Now, I have seen my family and friends rally around me in ways that I never expected.  And, I am more grateful than you could ever imagine!

So, I am indeed Finding Mis!  Blogging will probably pick up again now.  The shock has worn off, as has the desire to retreat into a corner in the fetal position.  I am ready to look forward and be brave.  I look forward to sharing this journey with you because I know I am not the only one walking this path.  I look forward to hearing from you that have done it and made it work and those who decided it was best to forge ahead alone.  Together, we can support one another and make finding ourselves a little bit easier.

Love,
Mis














 

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Broken

I am writing this post looking back on one of the worst weeks of my life.  A week where my husband ended up strapped down in the back of an ambulance and surrounded by cop cars and where a few days later I had to drive him to be committed to a mental hospital.

I am looking back on a week that involved more tears than I have cried in the past 25 years combined.  This is no exaggeration either.  Before my dad passed away in 1991, he told me not to cry.  That I needed to be strong.  And I was.  I did not cry.  In fact, something inside of me completely shut off and I can count on one hand the number of times I have truly cried since.  Last week, I was completely in despair and out of control.  I could not contain the tears.  I cried, I shook, I sobbed like there was no tomorrow-and in many ways it felt like there never would be.

My husband has been in trouble for a long time.  The break is a blessing because now he can finally work on getting to where he wants to be.  Our marriage may not survive his growth, but it will be a fair cost to see him finally living up to his potential.  There is no doubt we loved each other, but we cannot seem to bring out the best in each other.    Maybe now that will change, but I don't honestly think it will. Sometimes when things break, they are so broken you cannot even see what the original looked like.

The worst part of this is that we seemed so called to be together.  Every time we parted in our youth, it seemed like God had another plan for us and that plan wanted us together.  Now, I am having trouble finding God at all.  I think I am having a Footprints moment where he is carrying me and I am so thankful for that, but I honestly could use a little more direct signage.  Gentle signage if the news is hard, but more guidance nonetheless.  That being said, I am so grateful.  Without having had this man by my side, would I have accomplished what I have?  Maybe.  Or maybe my life would have looked a lot different, but either way I am doing what I was meant to do and am on my way to accomplishing more.

This week did bring a breakthrough-I reached out to family and friends in a way I never have before.  This is going to be so important if husband and I split.  I am going to need them more than ever-and truly need them in a way I don't think I have ever before.  I am not one to reach out and ask for help.  It goes against my every fiber.  And, maybe that is why many of my relationships have been stunted.  I feel like a burden when I need help.  Even though people say that is what they are there for, it makes me uncomfortable to actually reach out.  Maybe it was too many rejections and losses over the years, but if I truly want to play big then I need to engage in life.  And in my relationships.  And maybe that means a little more taking than I am used to.

And although this year has had fewer breakthroughs than I hoped for by this point, I believe maybe my tears are the biggest one yet.  I have been through more negative emotions in the last week than I ever imagined possible.  And, I am still here.  I did not eat myself into a coma.  I did not look the other way.  I dealt with them.  It sucked.  But, I dealt with them and I am still standing.


And, after one of the worst weeks of my life, that is what is important.  I am still standing.   I thank my coworkers for their patience, willingness to cover me, and love during a time of obvious despair.  There was no level of professionalism that was getting me by last week.  I thank my family and friends for being there and making sure I knew I was not a burden. I thank God for giving me all that I needed to get through it.

I do not know what is next.  I do know it will not be easy.  But luckily, I have a great network to help me get through it.  I may not look the same afterwards, but I am not permanently broken.  A week ago I would not have believed that.  Now, I know sometimes you have to break something to get to its core.

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Food for Thought

Sometimes you are supposed to FINALLY get a weekend of alone time in your house-the first in 15 years mind you- and it turns into a weekend where you not only deprived of your alone time, but also presented with some crazy bullshit that you did not see coming.

Sometimes life forces you out of your comfort zone and pushes you to consider what would happen if your whole life changed tomorrow.  Today, you are cuddling with your dog while the cat romps around the house and your husband is doing his own thing.  Before you realize what happened, you are at a turning point where the comfortable life you have may not be the life you will have tomorrow or maybe should ever have been fighting for all along.

Sometimes people get stuck in such a rut that the only way they see out of it is to walk away and completely start over.  Novels and television have made millions off of the common story of a husband walking out on his wife to go and live a dream or with the woman of his fantasies while the woman is forced to re-create her very being from her toes to her head and the very battered mess of a mind that is left behind.

Sometimes, one spouse just wants the other to understand where they are coming from and puts forth the idea that maybe the only way they can fly is if they are stripped down to nothing and are forced to fend for themselves.  That having you as a security blanket is only allowing them to continue doing nothing because they do not have to.  The bills will still be paid, dinner will be made, and life will go on in its own little suburban type way.  Maybe they feel so strongly that you have put aside your own happiness that they actually think they are doing you a favor.  And what if they are?

Here is the part of the novel where the woman starts to consider what will need to be done in order to survive.  Find new place to live, make sure you have enough income to pay new rent, bills, and keep Houndsley in the kibble he has become accustomed to.  Figure out what you would do in an emergency such as the car breaking down, emergency vet appointment-oh wait, "what about benefits for me?!!!"  And then you remember you are covered at work if you want to be, you just took the buyout because you were on his plan.  Whew, no need to go off of the anxiety pills, Lord knows we need them now more than ever.

And then, something surprising happens.  The woman starts to think about all of the things that might be nice about living by herself.  Watching chick flicks without judgment from the cinephile in the other room.  Peace and quiet.  No one constantly bitching at them because they have not done things exactly as someone else thought they should.  Maybe he was right. Maybe you were sacrificing too much for the comfort of what you thought you wanted. Maybe you really did think you couldn't do better and now is your chance to find the happiness you deserve.

Queue another panic attack.  After all, we are on the wrong side of 35 and who the hell starts their life over at 40.  You are a librarian for God's sake-you are going to die alone!!!!!!

And, breathe. In with the good air, out with the bad air.  In with the good air, out with the bad air.  Okay, we can do this.  I am going to be okay.  No matter what happens, I can do this.  It is going to be scary as hell, but I can do this.

The next morning the husband has decided something important. He wants to convey to you that last night's conversation was just theoretical.  After all, he is having a midlife crisis/nervous breakdown.  He was angry.  Now, he just wants to find a new idea to get past this rough time.  Motherf*%^$#r.

The problem is now the wife has remembered how strong she is.  That maybe he was right in the first place, and even if he wasn't "F%&k you for doing that to me".  Maybe she should not be so quick to put aside the ideas that began to form last night.  After all, she is supposed to play big this year.  It makes sense that the husband was telling her that for all her career success, she was not playing big where it matters-in her life!

So, this weekend was not at all what it was supposed to be.  And, I know, I have not heard the end of it.  It is going to get much worse before it gets better.  If husband finds his way, if wife decides to stay while he searches, if it all blows up and she is forced to find that new apartment and step outside of her comfort zone, or insert any one of a million scenarios could play out here.  But, all is not lost.  In fact, there has already been a sighting of a glorious rainbow.  She has figured out the most important thing-she has the strength to make it through no matter what comes her way! 

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Checking In

Another month has gone by and I have been super quiet on the blog.  It is not because I am not doing the work.  In fact, I have had quite a few epiphanies.  I have been finding it really hard to write about.  This year has taken a few unexpected personal turns.  In some ways, these turns have helped to move me forward in some major ways.  In others, they have forced me to reexamine my life in a way that I never thought I would have to.  And honestly, the answers I am finding are surprising me.

I will talk more about this as I get a little further away from all of it.  Right now, I am just happy that I have this outlet.  I am happy that I have options.  And, I am especially happy that I am taking a much closer look at my life.  For someone who has always avoided emotion at all cost, this is a very new experience for me.  I still want to run and hide, but I am being brave. I am looking at the big picture and know that a little discomfort now will have a huge payoff later.  At least, I hope so!  All of these feels are hard!

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Self Reflection

I am taking time for me.  Time to breathe, time to relax, time to figure out who I want to be and where I want to go from here.  It is impossible to move ahead when you don’t know where you want to go.  I am not looking to move for movement’s sake or just hoping luck will push me in the right direction.  I want to consciously look at my life and decide what is best for me.

I guess what I am saying is that I want to find myself.  My adult life has been a whirlwind of work, relationships, and taking care of others.  I have lost many of the parts of me I liked best and don’t understand why I never felt good enough about myself to develop others.  The beauty if this time is that I am not wallowing in regret.  I have done some pretty cool things with my life, but now I want to put myself first and make sure that I am holding myself accountable for living a life true to who I am.

I am reading The Woman’s Retreat Book by Jennifer Louden.  Yes, I know it always comes back to a book, but I truly do not know a better way!  Anyway, I have always loved the idea of a retreat and the few I have been on were truly amazing.  This book guides women on how to take all sorts of retreats from the big ones you probably think of when you hear the word to simple solo retreats that can be done in an hour.  I like the idea of short term retreats because it requires me to actively remember to put myself first and to remember that I must take the time to figure out if I am being true to what I truly desire. 

I am not going to say that it has been easy to come to the determination that I needed to do this because it certainly has not.  My husband and I are both at turning points and that has made it even harder because I feel that much more guilty about saying that I need this time for me and it is non-negotiable.  But, this is the only way that we are going to be able to make the most of our lives.  If one of us is discontent, it will rock the path we are on together.  Not only that, I need to be strong enough to do it for myself because no one else can or will do it for me.

So, how do I feel now that I am embracing the path to self-discovery?  Scared!  I want to go back in time and be that idealistic girl who was sweet as pie and did not believe people had anything but goodness in them and bad acts could be reformed.  But, I also know that I am a strong woman now and seeing the world for all its problems does not need to make me jaded and scared.  I can be strong and sweet, tough yet vulnerable, open to love.  These are some of the things I hope to truly realize during this time.

We are already at the end of April and I wonder if I have started to play big yet.  I think taking this journey means yes.  For while I have always been a fan of all things self-improvement, digging deep and taking a closer look at myself and my dreams has always been far out of my league to even attempt.  Well, I am at bat now and I am looking for a homerun.  I would say that is playing big!

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What Does Playing Big Mean to Me?

It seems like a simple question.  What does playing big mean to me?  I already play fairly big in my career.  I know what I can do and where my goals need to be to play bigger.  But, honestly, playing big in my career is the least of my concerns right now.  What I really want to do is play big in my personal life.  But, what does that look like?

You would think it would be an easy question to answer, but for me it has not been.  In fact, it has been one of the hardest ones of my life.  Maybe even the hardest to date.  I think there will need to be some major changes.  In me, in my marriage, in my home.  I know I need to get out more.  I need to socialize more.  I need to get more involved in passion projects.  I need to get back to feeling like myself.  I need to find the person I have always wanted to be.

What does playing big mean to you?  What is your vision?  Do you automatically know what it is you want when you think about playing big? 

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The Power of a Book, Part 2

I can tell you the exact moment I found my calling.

I was in elementary school and I was at the house of a family friend.  She was doing a storytime for a group of children in our circle and she was reading Joseph and His Coat of Many Colors (based on the biblical story and later the inspiration for the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.)  Jacob had just given his son the prized gift.  We turn the page to find Joseph turning in his new coat to show off the brilliance of the many colors.

I was completely awed.  Even being so young, I knew what I was feeling was special.  It was as if the sunshine had made a spotlight on myself and Joseph and his coat and I were the only things happening in the world for that minute.  At that very moment all I wanted to do was share this amazing book with everyone I knew and let that feeling spread as far as I could make it.

It would be another two decades before I would be able to put a name to my calling-librarian.  But, books have always been a huge part of my life (see the first part of this series here) and my career has always had me sharing books in some way whether it was as a bookseller, literacy advocate, or librarian. 

I will never forget how heartbroken I was in middle school when my teacher (a nun) clearly reprimanded me that the only people who had callings were nuns and priests.  It was not like me to question a teacher, so she was especially surprised when I asked why people in other professions could be called to their work.  I think even in that moment I was remembering Joseph and the feeling that I knew this book was trying to tell me something so much bigger.  It took me even longer to get over the pain of that reprimand and to realize that she was wrong than it did to figure out that librarian perfectly encompassed everything I was supposed to do in my professional life.

I finally came to terms with it a few years ago (I can be such a slow learner sometimes!).  Sister Helen was wrong.  I don't think she maliciously tried to ruin the hopes and dreams of her students-students I know she loved deeply.  Whether it was training, a misguided mindset, or just a simple misunderstanding, I now know the simple truth.  She was wrong.  And I can prove it.

I agree that priests and nuns are served to call.  No one lightly makes the decision to go into the clergy-especially in today's world.  But that leaves more than 7 billion people on the planet.  If the clergy are the only ones that are called to serve, then does it just not matter what the rest of us do?  Is someone who is a gifted musician that provides millions of people with hope, joy, and comfort just a lucky schmuck who made good?  Is a doctor who saves thousands of lives over the course of a career just a goodhearted nerd who happens to be good at anatomy?  Are the first responders who risk their lives daily so others may live and be safe just adrenaline junkies?

Many people spend a lifetime looking for why they were put on this planet.  I am one of the lucky few who found out early.  It took me awhile to get it exactly right (again, I can be a VERY slow learner), but the sense of fulfillment I get from my work is one of the greatest joys of my life.  I may not always get it perfectly right, but I am making a difference in the best way I can.

Books have given me power and freedom from wondering why I am here.  Many people I know would kill to have the sense of purpose that my career gives me.  As much as I talk about separating myself from my work, the purpose of this year is not to dismiss the gifts it has given me. It is to widen my sense of self and see who I am beyond that calling.  If anything, I am realizing just how closely tied together my self is to my work.  But, work alone is not enough.

Maybe it is greedy.  I have already been given something so special and so much more than most others have.  But, I have to believe that I can only increase the power of my calling by better knowing myself and my strengths.  That by increasing my sphere of interests and people, I can be that much better at providing help and information to others.  And, I am human and deserve some fun!  A burned out Mis is certainly not a productive Mis.  So, the new ventures continue!  And, if I had to put money on it, I would say it is a million to one bet that I am going to find some new books along the way to learn many of the things I try this year!

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Getting Back on Track

I have not been in a great place these last few weeks.  Snapping 3 muscles in my calf this week (surprisingly, muscles actually snap like an elastic when tearing) was actually a blessing in disguise because it gave me some time to rest and realize how far off track I am from the wonderful place I started this year.

Torn muscles aside, the last few weeks have been very trying for me.  Someone very close to me is going through a very bad time and needs me.  When you are in the midst of someone else's nightmare, it is so easy to lose yourself.  It is nearly impossible to make time for yourself, find the joy in the little things, and feel free to indulge in activities that will make you truly happy.  

I realized this week that I need to fight for this time more and push myself harder to stay on track because I am not going to be a good listener or example if I get caught up in my loved one's nightmare.  I need to be the person they can lean on, not the person they take down with them.  As much as it feels selfish to still pursue this venture, it is the best thing I can be doing right now.

Work has also gotten me down lately.  Normal politics are running rampant and this is causing me to feel disheartened which is especially bad at this point because my writing and consulting ventures have been going so well.  But truthfully, my heart feels tired and less excited by these ventures because of the drama at work.  It is wearing out my professional zest, and if nothing else, professional zest is what I have defined myself by.

See a trend here?  I am letting outside situations overshadow my efforts and I end up feeling worse in the end for it.  This is not okay. 

So, starting now, I am getting back on track.  This week I have felt called to listen to Playing Big again.  I may just do it once I finish the book I am listening to now.  I have never reread a book so quickly before.  In fact, rereading books is not at all common for me.  But since that feels like the right thing to do, I am going with it.  If nothing else, I am supposed to be listening to what my soul wants this year and that is what it wants.  For now, maybe some zentangles or some computer time, or just a glass of wine and a book.  As long as it feels relaxing and slows down my mind-I'm in!

What are you doing to find some joy this weekend?

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The Power of a Book, Part 1

Vacation is going well!  I have been quite busy, but much of my days have been spent with friends, reading, and writing, so I am in a happy place!  As I was thinking about what to write about, it occurred to me that I wanted to talk about books, but felt bad that I relate most of my posts back to what I am reading at the moment.  This blog was never intended to be "How to read 52 self help books and reinvent yourself in a year."  Then, I realized the truth!

Books have played a monumental role in my life.  It is something that I actually take for granted because it is so much a part of me.  Taking the time to look more closely at my life this year, I realize what a lifeline they really are for me. So, you will be getting a lot of updates about what I am currently reading, want to read, may someday read, etc...

Let me explain.  The story goes that I taught myself how to read when I was three.  One of my first memories is actually the shock and awe of my next door neighbor as she figured out I was actually reading the items on her refrigerator, not just talking about them or remembering what someone else told me they said.  But, to say I taught myself how to read would be a disservice to my parents.

My dad had 3 custom bookcases built for me in our apartment when my mom was pregnant.  I never remember a time that they were not overflowing with glorious books of all shapes and sizes.  My mom read to me every day.  We always bought a book in the checkout aisle at the grocery store (this was the late 70s and early 80s when they still had children's books and encyclopedias in the checkout aisles). My mom also took me to used bookstores and we were such frequent guests at the library that it felt like a second home to me.

So, it is no surprise that I was an early reader.  My parents read, made sure I always had reading material, and made books a fun regular activity for me.  This may be the greatest gift they ever gave me (besides life, of course!) And it is one that has served me in more ways than I could have ever known possible.

One of my favorite childhood memories is reading into all hours of the night under the covers of my bed long after I was supposed to be sleeping.  My dad would buy me flashlights and batteries so I could have this secret area and time, and my mom was constantly taking them away and yelling at both of us because I needed my sleep!  This went on forever!  Those nights under the covers were great times where I read stories from the Baby-Sitter's Club obsessively and pretty much any chapter book I could get my greedy little hands on.

I knew I was loved, but my parents were not happily in love.  Their marriage ended when I was in third grade and I was already well versed in how to use my books as an escape.  Those late night reading sessions were some of the most relaxing times of my day.  Mom and Dad could throw down with the best of them and I did not deal well with all of the yelling.  My books allowed me an escape.  They allowed me to be me where all I had to do was show up and I was accepted and I could try new things.  As the clumsiest child you ever met, I was not very adventuresome in real life.  Which is probably a good thing as I had enough of emergency room visits just making it through a normal day!  Whether it was the ambulance ride from school for the nose that would not stop bleeding, or the horsefly attack that led to yet another emergency room trip, I was quite the magnet for oddities and drama!

Luckily, my books helped me through this time, the death of my father when I was 12, a very rough home life during adolescence, and just the process of growing up.  This love of reading helped me through the questions and milestones of my twenties and now in my 30s it grounds me and gives me a place to reconnect when the world just becomes too much.  Whenever I have a question, I look to the information that is out there to guide me.  While the internet is usually my first stop now, much of it is just a billion pages of words waiting to be read.  I love self help books not because I feel like I am not good enough, but I love reading the wisdom of people who have already traveled the journey. 

For the record, my love of reading is not confined to the self help realm.  I will read anything I can get my hands on!  Fiction, nonfiction, the cereal box... Even my daily commute is defined by the audiobooks I listen to.  While I like the radio as much as anyone, audiobooks give me the opportunity to get lost in a story.  A great novel is like traveling with friends.  Listening to The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak was one of the most powerful experiences of my life.  Never before had I actually clapped when a novel was done.  I laugh out loud as I listen to the memoirs of Jen Lancaster wondering why I enjoy them so much when I strongly suspect we would not get along if we were ever to meet!  Every audiobook is a chance to squeeze in a little more reading time into my day and make a strenuous commute an enjoyable experience.

As you can see, librarian was not an odd choice for a career path!  I will describe how that came about in a later post, but it is just another way that the universe has gifted me.  As I sit here writing, I am just so THANKFUL that I get to share this with you.  This book loving nerd has a passion and it is books.  Of course I like to read them, but I also like to touch them, be surrounded by them, talk about them.  They are a true passion and a good chunk of what makes me, me. 

I know there are many other parts of me that I still need to discover.  I know that I use books as a crutch to hide from some of those other parts.  But for right now I just want to take a moment to say thank you to God, my parents, the universe, and the thousands of writers who have made my life special.  These writers deserve a second thank you as well.  You have allowed me to feel feelings I would otherwise not allow myself to feel or have cause to know.  You have allowed me to experience more than I could on this planet (or universe) in a million lifetimes.  You have given me shelter from the world and myself when I needed it and more importantly, prodded me to go out and mark my place at just the right moments.  Words do no justice to the debt I owe you.  I try to put just the right book at just the right time in my patrons' hands.  I try to know what story will fill their voids.  Just know that I try to pay it forward every day. 

So there it is, my blog's first big epiphany!  I am what I read!!!  Now that we have gotten the obvious news out of the way, let's see what we learn next!

Talk Soon,
Mis

 

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Vacation!

I am on vacation this week!  I cannot describe quite how much I have been looking forward to this week.  Work has been very trying lately and I really have been wanting to focus more on this endeavor.  A staycation is just what I need to reorganize and regroup.

A February vacation has the dual win of not having to drive 45 minutes each way to work during the snowiest part of the year and being so cold and brutal that you want to get everything in the house done that you have been putting off.  This year has been particularly rough for snow.  We are over 6 feet in as many weeks.  I love winter and even I am anxiously awaiting the day that the grass needs to be mowed and I can safely walk through my yard without snowshoes and a prayer.

This week I will be accomplishing those pesky tasks that have been on my to do list forever like cleaning the oven and sorting out stuff to donate to lighten up the clutter of the house.  But, I have lots of time planned for fun with a trip to the Newport Playhouse, breakfast with a friend, and nice long phone chat with my little brother in Arizona.  Word also has it that my niece may be born this week as well! I have tons of books lined up, a shopping spree with my husband planned, and I am finally feeling the itch to get back to work on a few writing projects.

So, you will probably be hearing from me quite a bit this week!  I hope your week is as good as mine is going to be!

Talk Soon,
Mis

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You Win Some and You Lose Some on the Path to Enlightenment

So, I have been quiet about my quest for finding myself for a couple of weeks now.  I am happy to report that I have not fallen off the wagon.  My new year's resolution is still going strong.  However, my most recent exercise in self-exploration is not.

Ilene Segalove's 40 Day's and 40 Night: Taking Time Out for Self-Discovery: A Guided Journal has been on my bookshelf for YEARS.  I have never quite found the inspiration to delve into it, but I also could never part with it.  I loved the idea of taking a period of time for self-reflection and according to Segalove, "Forty has been known throughout history as a mystical number".  Forty is represented continuously throughout all of the major religions, Renaissance culture, numerology, and even the body.  Cells regenerate in the bloodstream every 40 days. 

Obviously, the idea of a set period of time for reflection and introspection spoke to me.  However, after making it a quarter of the way through the 40 days, I realized that this particular method was taking me further away from my goal.  I felt detached from the passion and curiosity that led me towards the path in the first place.  While I didn't find any part of the process difficult or uncomfortable, I was not engaged.  And there lay the problem.

I do not like to quit anything.  Nor do I like losing. This felt like both when I first thought about abandoning the process about 5 days in.  After getting a quarter of the way through the journal, I realized that the activities and writings were actually the loss.  I was not discovering anything that felt important and I was losing passion for the overall project.

So, apparently, you win some and lose some on the path to enlightenment!   I am disappointed because I waited for so long to work my way through the activities in this guided journal.  And at another time in my life it may be the perfect thing at the perfect time.  But, for now, I am moving on to something new.  Back to regular writing and journaling, reading (fiction and nonfiction) and trying new things.  We are only halfway through February and there is plenty of year left to find new wins and losses along the way.  I can't wait to experience them and share them with you!

Love Always,
Mis

P.S.  Any losses along your journey that you would like to share?  I have found that sometimes the losses teach us far more than the wins...

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I Am Queen of the Island of Misfit Toys

As of yesterday, it is official!  I am the queen of the island of misfit toys.  For those of you that are not familiar with this particular place, it is the land Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer visits when he runs away from the North Pole in the famous Rankin-Bass Christmas Special.  (Their adorable first meeting can be seen here.) This has always been my favorite holiday special, but now I truly can see why.

My sweet, loving misfit husband rescued a stray cat on Thursday.  She was obviously hurt, and cold, and all she wanted was love.  She has some type of deformity where one of her hind legs is lame and her spine is crooked, but our girl is a fighter.  A couple of meals, a bath, and some cuddles later and she is already looking a million times better!

This in itself is not enough to make me the queen of the island though.  I was looking around my home yesterday while we were caring for our new charge, Maisy.  Our hound dog Leon was in a tizzy.  On his best day, he has OCD issues and the cat's presence has sent him into overdrive.  Luckily, he senses that she is hurt, so he has been super gentle with her, but it still does not make it okay that he is not the baby anymore.  Watching my husband and our Zoobilee Zoo warmed my heart, but it also became painfully clear that I have a tendency to attract the "other" in the phrase "which one of these is not like the others?"

Then, I got to thinking.  Has it always been like this?  And, yes.  Yes, it has.  So, what does that say about me?  Am I incapable of interacting with the "normals"?  Do I look for the misfits purposely?  I think the bigger question is why did it strike me as something I should be so concerned with?

The answer is this.  As I go along on my year, I am trying to get to the real Melissa.  I am trying to figure out what makes me tick and what makes me truly happy.  As I sat staring at my beautiful neurotic family, my heart grew with joy.  The realization that I was indeed the Queen of this island made me sigh because I knew there were easier paths in life, but this is where we are all supposed to be.  If Leon came home from doggy boot camp and was the best behaved dog ever tomorrow, I would not know what to do with myself.  After all, when we were looking for our pup, we wanted one with a big personality who could be a little naughty at times.  And we got that.  And then some!

My husband is incredibly smart, handsome, and has a huge heart.  He has more than his fair share of neuroses, but that is what helps to fuel his creative fire.  Do I wish his path in life was easier?  Of course!  I would give anything to make life perfect for my loved ones, especially him.  Who wouldn't?  But, we are who we are because of our life experiences and our dreams.  Would we be the same people if our lives were perfect?  I would not want to be with a man who would NOT want to save a hurt, deformed cat. 

And now Maisy.  Hubby is still on the fence about whether or not we should keep her.  He wants to nurse her back to health and send her back out to the wild to her cat friends in the neighborhood.  But, I see her working her Maisy magic and softening him up.  She has made it clear she is not going anywhere if she has her way.  She has already started to make her way into my heart and I was firmly against a new indoor addition to the family.  She is slowly working her way into the family proving that she can find her place in our home.  If she keeps it up, she will be an official member of our misfit island by the end of next week!

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Time to Move or Time to Stay? Letting My Year Guide Me

A couple of professional opportunities have come my way recently and my instinct was to let them pass.  However, my husband is not so thrilled about it.  He is concerned because 1.) It is completely out of character; and 2.) I have worked so hard to get where I am, why quit now?  He feels like I should be chomping at the bit to get to the next level.  After all, I am the one touting how playing big is so important.  Even though I have explained I am not quitting, just reprioritizing for a little while, he still seems a little concerned that somehow I am stuck or settling for less than I deserve. 

While I am certain this is not the case, I think it is a good idea to take a step back for a minute and make sure that my decisions are being made out of intention and not fear.

Taking this year to really get to know me and get past the issues holding me back is certainly a decision made of intention.  This is something I truly feel if I pass on it now I will never do it.  For the first time in my life, I also believe I am worth this investment.  This fact alone makes me want to guard this whole process fiercely.  But, does that honestly mean that I have to turn away from opportunities that arise during the first few months of my year?

For instance, what could be my dream job was just posted in Massachusetts.  When I first read the post, it was like fireworks and a parade exploded onto my screen.  However, a couple of things hit me pretty quickly that implied my initial reaction may have been wrong.  First, it is a leadership position with a consortium organization, so I would be doing a lot of paperwork and delegating-not the creative professional development design I first thought to be the case.  Next, I would need to move almost 2 hours north and even then, the two offices I would be commuting back and forth between are over an hour apart.

The money would be amazing-IF I was given the higher end of the pay scale.  With my experience and skills I know I could negotiate at least a mid-point, but I highly doubt they intend on giving anyone the high end right out of the gate.  But, money is not what I am most concerned with right now.  I know, I know.  I can’t believe I am saying it myself.  But, it is true.

I commute 45 minutes each way now and while I do not loathe it, it really is time that I wish to be doing something else.  I am a true Rhode Islander in that I do not want to drive more than 20 minutes each way to go to work.  By this rule, I am spending 45 minutes a day in the car that could be put to much better use.  And, truth be told, I am a horrible driver.  So, the thought of spending hours a day in the car makes me want to run the other way.

This job would also mean living apart from my husband for a year while he waits for a transfer from his job which is just too good to leave.  We thought some of that might be fun.  Give us each our own space and then we would be together on the weekends.  It would be like we were dating again!  But, a year is a long time.  And I don’t want to move into the house we will buy together alone.  It seems unfair to my husband to ask him to make that kind of sacrifice, even if it is only short term.  By the time he moves in permanently, it would be like he was an addition and not part of the process.  We have worked too hard for that.   

And, I know it is only an hour or two away, but it does not seem like the right time to make a major move.  How can I learn more about me when I am in the midst of a major life change and learning a new job.  Granted, I have done it on several occasions before, but this time is different.  If I truly want to establish who I am outside of my career, I cannot do it while immersing myself wholly into a new venture in my career.  It is an ugly catch-22.  All of this thought, and I have not even been offered an interview-never mind a position!  But it has clarified one thing.  I am not running away.  I am running towards something new.

I am confident that big opportunities are heading my way.  Opportunities that I will take whole heartedly and with more enthusiasm than you could ever imagine.  However, if I want to capitalize on them to the fullest, I need to do the work on myself first.  I am looking at this as a year-long process, but my instincts tell me that big things will start happening in about 6 months if I do the work and stay diligent. 

I do not know why this is the case.  It is just what my instincts say.  At that point, I believe that I will have a better idea of what I want my long-term picture to look like as far as personal life and professional life.  And, I will be in a much better place to embrace it.  It may not even be a professional opportunity that is the next big thing on the horizon-go figure!  But, I will not be able to figure anything if I just jump on the first ship because it pulled into dock.

So, there it is.  My decision to step away from making any major career moves at the moment has been of intention and not fear.  As I sit and reread what I have written, I am more sure than ever.  Do you know what the best part is?  I love my job so there is no sacrifice here whatsoever.  I get to keep doing work I love with peers I love while I figure out what drives me and who I want to be.  Until then, I have the benefit of working with great people who inspire me to do great things.  At least I know that even while I am stepping off of the fast track roller coaster for a few months they have my back.  And that brings us back to our regularly scheduled programming, folks.  No more work talk for awhile.  I have some soul searching to do and the work train has left the station.

Have you passed on an opportunity that would have been great professionally, but not personally?  How do you feel about it looking back?  Let me know if the comments.  I can’t wait to hear your stories!

Mis

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Tools for Success

It is no secret that books have played a major role in my life.  I will talk more about that in time, but today I would like to share a few titles that have played a major role at different turning points in my life.  I have carried them close with me and continue to use them whenever I find myself looking for what my next step forward should be.  And, they have played a role in getting me started for this year of self-discovery.

The Gift of a Year: How to Achieve the Most Meaningful, Satisfying, and Pleasurable Year of Your Life by Mira Kirshenbaum: The central concept of this book is that women need to stop putting themselves last in their life and take a period of time to do something to meet their deep needs for fulfillment, rest, and happiness.  This may be as simple as taking a bubble bath every day for a year or as complex as starting a business or revisiting a passion such as music or art that has fallen by the wayside over the years.  You do not need to put the rest of your life on hold, you just need to find a way to take back a few hours per week.

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron:  This book is broken down into a 12 week program to ignite your creativity, put those issues that have dogged you for years to bed, and rejuvenate your soul.  I was extremely lucky that when I was introduced to this book, it was as part of an interactive program led by an amazing leader who took a group of 8 of us through the 12 week program making it an even more powerful experience as we watched each other change, create, and grow into ourselves.  I have been able to book the women who led this workshop at my library in April and I am seriously considering participating again!

Your Best Year Yet! Ten Questions to Change Your Life Forever by Jinny S. Ditzler: Any fan of to do lists will find this book  inspiring and life changing.  Not only does Ditzler ask you what you want to accomplish this year, she takes you through a set of questions to help you define what is truly important to you and how you can take steps to ensure that your goals are successful this year.  There is nothing mind-blowing in the concept, however, her approach will raise your appreciation for the success you have achieved and lay the foundation for even more success ahead.  Best yet, once you have completed the questions, you will have a simple 1 page plan that will keep you on track for the year.

Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Mission, Your Message by Tara Sophia Mohr: This is the newest addition to the shelf.  In many ways, it is the reason for this blog and so many of my plans for this year.  Just for starters, Mohr teaches the reader how to shut off our inner critic (that negative voice that is constantly in your head chattering) and turn to our inner mentor.  She teaches how to move past fear and basic tools for making major strides in your life-whether they be personal, professional, or a combination of both.  Playing big may mean something different for every woman, but the point is that we need to stop being afraid to take up time and space that is ours to rock and we need to follow our dreams and use our talents.  And, not only for the good of ourselves, but for all who will benefit from that enthusiasm and those talents.  Thank you Tara Mohr! 

So, there you have it.  These are the books that will serve as my roadmap as I take the journey to finding and becoming myself this year.  They are only the beginning, but they have given me the strength, courage, and motivation I needed to take the first step.  Tell me, what books have been there for you at your turning points?  Does anyone else have an affinity for one of my faves?  I can’t wait to hear!

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